Are These Boundaries or Barriers?

As a family therapist, I see a lot of clients in pain over the concept of boundaries. There are wide differences in age, race, culture and family situations between these clients, but what unites them is that boundaries are used as weapons, resulting in relational and individual wounds. 

Boundaries are a simple concept, but surprisingly hard to apply. Boundaries are rules about who participates in a relationship and how, including what and how information is shared in the relationship. They are crucial for healthy relationships. The challenge is that in order to be helpful, boundaries need to be clear, flexible, and understood by those on both sides of the boundary. Here’s where the trouble begins: you can’t impose a boundary on a relationship and expect those on the other side to make the changes in their behavior that you want to impose on them with your boundary. Boundaries are about YOU, not them. 

Here’s the other hard thing about boundaries. Boundaries do not exist without the concept of a relationship. Cutting a person completely out of your life is not a boundary. If you opt for a cut-off from a person or relationship, call it a cut-off and own it. If you are interested in figuring out a more helpful way to think about boundaries within relationships, read on. 

The boundary-making process breaks down when we expect The Person who distresses us to magically comply with OUR boundary. This is when boundaries become barriers. Faced with a relational rule that is not clear, flexible, or understood. The Person is either unhappy or confused, feeling walled off from the relationship. Their efforts to get information or express their feelings are seen as boundary violations. The more The Person doesn’t comply with our boundary disguised as a barrier, the more they are painted with negative and often malicious motivation for their behavior. Each failure of the boundary-making process is an opportunity for anger and hurt to justify rigidity and resentment on both sides. The blame game escalates, usually bringing other individuals into a painful process. This is when most of my clients arrive in my office. 

Remember that boundaries are about how WE respond to problematic behaviors and relational patterns, not making a rule in our own mind that will instantly make The Person do what we want. So we begin in therapy by first ensuring your safety from verbal, emotional and physical abuse in this relationship. If you do not feel safe, we identify actions to take so you are. If you are safe, we begin to strategize. I will ask what you want to happen differently in this relationship as a result of the boundaries. Most clients typically want The Person out of their lives but can’t cut them off because they are a family member or have some type of real power over them, such as a supervisor at work. This is real, and we have to work with it.

Next I drop the Boundary Truth Bomb: The only person that respects your boundaries is YOU. Counter-intuitively, we begin by presuming that The Person will continue to do or not do what they do or do not do. This is because we are talking about YOUR boundaries, not theirs. We sort out options you have for responding or not responding to problematic behavior, respecting your real-life limits. We brainstorm ways to keep yourself centered when you are in situations you cannot avoid or leave. We map out sources of family, social, or personal support that might be hard to see when you are in the midst of troublesome interactions. We look realistically at where you can take control of your behavior and responses. And yes, sometimes we even consider The Person’s perspective. This isn’t about enduring painful interactions with others or sitting by while your step-mother disrespects your partner. This is about prioritizing YOUR stamina, YOUR patience, YOUR relationships, and YOUR well-being so you can take charge of YOUR boundaries and not wait for others to change before you can feel more empowered.

You’re no fool. By now you’ve realized it’s more satisfying to stew in self-righteous hurt and  complain about how The Person disregards your barriers than it is to make helpful boundaries. But you’ve shown up in my office because you are a relational being, and you know that damn it, you will have to manage your responses to The Person for your peace of mind and/or that of your loved ones. You already know that respecting your own boundaries is about empowering yourself to make the changes you hope for in your own relationships, not waiting for magical wishes to work.