How to move on from a relationship?
Saying goodbye is one of the hardest processes to go through, and it can be even more difficult when the separation is expected to be permanent, like a break-up or ending a friendship. Even when you are still hanging onto some hope of reconciliation, dwelling on the past, or comparing someone new to the old relationship, simply knowing that “it takes time” is often not good enough to help us get through the most painful moments. We have created a list below of how to move on from a relationship. Stay strong, kings and queens!
Recognize that everyone’s grieving process looks different, and everyone’s grieving timeline looks different. Deleting the number of your friend-with-benefits-of-two-weeks can feel exponentially harder than breaking up with your high-school sweetheart of four years, and that is perfectly okay. While it might seem like overkill to block or remove someone from your contacts/social media, it is an effective way of cutting them off from your brain’s impulse to linger. Time is your friend. Allow yourself to embrace the difficult emotions bit by bit and it will become less crushing over time.
No matter what your coping skill is, prioritize safety and awareness. We are masters at lying to ourselves, and when everything has fallen apart, it can be tricky to discern if that fourth night of clubbing is actually fun or causing more problems. If needed, sit with a trusted person (or yourself) to go over personal safety, financial expectations, and emotional boundaries ahead of time. Ask them for their thoughts before making any drastic decisions. When we are at peak emotional upset, we lose 20% of our IQ, so any decisions made in the heat of the moment are most likely not going to be the best choice.
Acknowledge the role that external factors can play in amping up other negative emotional experiences, causing us to seek out comfort in specific attachment figures. Isolation can heighten loneliness, sadness, lack of control, and frustration, sending signals to your brain that it HAS to connect with that previous close relationship of comfort (ex-partner, toxic friend, estranged parent, etc.) Until a new attachment is formed, the old neural pathway is going to be pretty powerful; on the bright side, any form of comfort will help soothe that moment of distress, which means you don’t HAVE to contact someone from your past. Chatting with a new friend or picking up a new instrument to learn can all help to distract your brain and start creating new options for support during difficult moments.
That whole “working on myself” thing? Do it. Find out your Myers-Briggs, your Big Five (OCEAN), and your Enneagram. Utilize values cards to better understand what you want out of life. Do activities that put the focus back on “me” and “my” capabilities, as opposed to identifying yourself as a broken half of a “we.” Do I want to start a new show on Netflix? Do I feel like eating sushi tonight? Do I need a nap right now? Letting go of a fantasy shared future is extremely hard, and requires some substitution with an individually-oriented future instead. We might still be in love with the potential of a person, but it is important to ground ourselves back into the present circumstances. Personal goals and aspirations are instrumental in the reorientation process.
Call yourself out on romanticizing the past and/or villainizing the relationship you are trying to move on from. It does not matter if the energy directed towards the person is positive or negative, because ruminating on that relationship essentially offers it free lodging in your brain. Getting together with a group of friends for a night of venting or posting all about it on Subtle Asian Dating might feel relieving in the moment, but mentally it is like etching that person more deeply into your brain. If you notice yourself really wanting to give this person mental or verbal attention, engage in a physical or mental activity that sends signals to your brain to focus on something else. Over time, the instinctive “jumping” to this person will fade.
Attachment injuries occur when there are feelings of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need, such as incidents of infidelity, parental neglect, or ostracization by a friend group. If there are any attachment injuries that were never resolved during the course of the relationship, understand that these hurts can impact your feelings of safety in relationships. As we often say, be gentle with the process, especially since you are not the person you used to be; each relationship you experience influences you as you influence them. Seek out professional mental health support if needed, because you are not crazy for feeling the way that you do, and you are never alone. Sometimes all it takes is someone else highlighting your patterns to unstick you from the past.
All of the items in this list are much easier said than done. Especially when your heart has been torn into a million pieces, sometimes even breathing can be daunting. The moment right before starting something new is the most difficult place to be, so start small. Maybe try out a personality test or take a nap today, and then phone a friend tomorrow. Remember, they can have a special place in your heart when allowed for it. All it takes is one step towards a new direction to shift the status quo.
Thank you again for joining us as we navigated our own questions, doubts, and curiosities about how to best service our community. We invite you to reach out with any further questions or interest in therapy services. We’re here to help!
