The Green Flags in Asian-American Relationships
I once read that red flags just look like flags when you have rose-colored glasses on. While it’s probably true that warning signs might be harder to spot in the early stages of the relationship, as strengths-based therapists, we are all about identifying the green flags, which are indications that the other person is a quality partner. Below are three green flags that might especially resonate with members of the Asian-American community.
1. Your partner has similar boundaries with their family
We know that everyone is positioned a little differently with their family members. Whether you are the golden child or have cut off ties completely, it is important to be on the same page about family communication as your partner. It does not have to be as dramatic as Rachel Chu versus Nick Young in Crazy Rich Asians, but there needs to be a mutual understanding of what the action plan is if either person’s family shows up on caller ID. Both of you are invested in going to every single family gathering? That’s awesome. Neither of you want to waste your afternoon at your cousin’s best friend’s sister’s baby shower in Rosemead? More power to you. What matters is that these expectations and boundaries are communicated ahead of time, so that both people are on the same page about duty and obligations.
2. Empathy over Codependency
Codependency can be described as trying to take your own temperature by inserting the thermometer into somebody else’s mouth. It feels all warm and fuzzy when somebody is able to empathize with how you feel, but once the message becomes “I cannot be okay with myself unless you are okay with me,” then there is a codependency problem. Dating someone whose entire wellbeing hinges on your support can put a lot of pressure on the relationship. Being part of a collective culture means that we are often setting emotional boundaries with those closest to us, so if your partner has a good grasp on their sense of self both in and out of the relationship, that can be a sign of someone who is able to give empathetically. For example, if you are having a rough day, and your partner is able to sit with you and encourage you without their whole day being compromised because you are upset, that is a green flag for empathy.
3. A combination of gratitude and open-mindedness
Traditions will always be a part of our cultural heritage and that is a beautiful thing. Back in the day, it might have been acceptable to come home after a long day of work, prop my feet on the coffee table, and crack seeds while watching Cantonese dramas, but there are certain archetypes of behavior that are now due for an update. I (Kevin) would get hella slapped if I did this today. When a partner is able to demonstrate appreciation for the sacrifices that have empowered them over the years, while also bearing an open-mind towards alternative possibilities in the future, that can be a big green flag for maturity. So whether you choose to be the primary provider because that was your dad’s role, or you choose to carve an entirely different trajectory for yourself, it matters more that you know the reasoning behind your decision, and that you can have an open dialogue with your partner.
It all comes down to communicating expectations with your partner. Green flags are less about dictating what a quality partner looks like, and more about how they demonstrate their character through past experiences, relational support, and setting goals together. We often see friends and family members end one relationship, only to repeat the same patterns and habits with the next person, not realizing that the message they are communicating has not changed just because the relationship is with someone new. We encourage everyone to attend that meditation retreat you’ve been thinking about, join that men’s group, seek out a therapist (mental health coach), and engage in all of the other unique ways that bring you into a closer relationship with yourself. By leveraging time, experience, and understanding one’s own expectations, we are more equipped to remove those rose-colored lenses in favor of recognizing green flags of potential partners.
